OUR TWO LINES shift to A BABY GIRL’S ANTICIPATED ARRIVAL

Since Friday, May 27^th, the day our family was chosen by a mother to love her baby girl when she entered this world - our hearts, minds and souls have been bursting.  OUR TWO LINES.  In the time since this fateful day, we have had the opportunity to spend time with “Evelyn”, her mother who has changed and enriched our lives more than she will ever know.  Les and I’s relationship and connection with her feels strong, our trust building with each weekly visit.  We have prepared somewhat.  Purchased some necessities.  Decided on her baby girl’s name.  Smiled NONstop.  All the while, keeping baby girl a secret from our now 4 year old son.  Adoption is never a sure thing and if this does not happen for any reason, we do not want our son questioning why HIS family didn’t change their mind!  And yes, ‘our sweetest little secret’ quickly became public knowledge.  This surprise situation was much too exciting to keep bottled up!  We indeed screamed it from the rooftops.  Here we are, Thursday, July 14^th and we are getting closer and closer to the arrival of this baby girl.  Our birthmother is 4 cm dilated.  I seem to be in some kind of self protection mode for the past week or so.  My thoughts of this baby girl, meeting her for the first time and holding her, having her home and joining our family have somewhat shifted.  I no longer daydream.  I no longer think of preparation.  Her chosen name no longer slips off my tongue and through my lips with ease.  Protection mode?  A shutdown?  An adoptive mother’s instinct?  I am just not sure.  I cannot put my finger on it.  Today is the first day in a week, I have butterflies.  My feeling must be returning, protection mode diminishing.  For the past 24 hours, I only think of “Evelyn”.  I am worrying for her.  Her labor.  Her feelings post placement.  I wish I could hug her and tell her.  I want the phone call.  NOW.  I need for it to come.  I need the phone to ring so I can go to the hospital.  Be near “Evelyn”.  If not in the same room, nearby.  I promised her I would be nearby, praying for her.  I need the phone to ring so I can be closer to meeting this baby girl I already love so very much.  To touch her.  And whisper in her ear how brave her mother is, how lucky I am to be her mother.      

ONE dream, ONE woman, ONE family = ONE miracle

Today, is almost indescribable.  Today, a birthmother was looking at profiles of adoptive families.  By chance, we were ONE of those thirteen (13!) adoptive families.  ONE of them.  So many hopeful families, JUST like US.  I woke up at 5 am.  I’m lucky I was able to sleep at all.  Sweet husband held me until I fell asleep.  My mind was crazy last night.  The difference now, we have our son.  Our family.  The difference now, if she didn’t pick us, we might be okay.  But we wished, we wished, we wished she might.  The little engine that could.   Up early, I had to force the air through my lungs.  What enabled me to breathe?  ONE adoptive family would be given the promise of raising  this baby girl.  So I lie there, deep breaths, for two hours.  I showered.  I notice my red face, blood pressure high.  Ahhh, sweet husband is starting to move, almost awake.  Thank God!  Then, he is up.  The smile.  The one I didn’t know I needed.  More than anything.  The reason I fell in love with him.  The Smile.  Then, the joke.  Today is our big day hunh, honey?  Hair straight up, bad breath, sexy boxers, eyes saggin’.   I didn’t expect his excitement, it was welcomed.  I fell in love with him all over again in that moment.  Then my day started.  I went to work.  Stayed busy.  8am, 9am, 10am, 11am, 12 pm, 1pm… my hope is fading.  I’m imagining the meeting with the birthmother.   If it was at 9, if it was at 10… I will admit, my hope is beginning to fade.  I also, in these weak moments, remind myself, an adoptive family is probably rejoicing right now.  If it’s not us, it’s them.  And then, at 3:30 pm.  The call.  From the lawyer.  I had him programmed in my phone so I’d know it was him.  He had questions.  Ugh, my first thought…  a competition.  I was wrong.  He had questions.  But, he only needed to confirm what we already knew.  We would be THERE.  No matter what.  For HER. For her BABY GIRL.  We are COMMITED.  And?  She chose us, OUR family, to love her baby girl forever.  And that we will.  Our hearts are overflowing. 

By Chance, ONE WOMAN has touched my life beyond measure…

By chance, ONE WOMAN, touched my life, our lives, beyond measure.  By chance, we were talking on the telephone.  By chance, I asked for her email address.  By chance, her full name was divulged to me.  By chance, she was on the other end of my telephone line.  And in that single moment, my Faith in Fate, had lead me right to her.  I knew of her.  I know the wonderful miracles her sweet husband creates for families trying to conceive.  I know the wonderful charity they have created to help those dreaming of a family, but facing obstacles.  A charity that helps not only those on the path to parenthood via Assisted Reproductive Technologies, but via Adoption.  In a second, I had to decide whether to share my personal story, on a professional phone call.  In that second, I was vulnerable, but did indeed cross that line.  I shared our story.  Infertility and heartache.  Our sweet son welcomed through adoption.  Our desire to adopt again.  And then it happened.  By chance.  This ONE WOMAN gave me hope.  She shared with me, a situation.  ‘Our Sweetest Secret’ now seemed like a true and real possibility.  Reaction and action was swift.  Our Faith in Fate led us here, to her.  We must ACT now.  I have never met this ONE WOMAN.  I’ve never touched her hands or have seen her smile.  I do not know what she looks like.  To me, she is the most beautiful person in the universe.  She has embraced a total stranger.  She has guided me, been my strength, my confidant, my source for hope for not even one week but I feel as though I owe her the sun, the moon and the stars.  I believe she has smiled with me from afar, as well as cried tears with me about this possibility presented to us less than a week ago.  She is ONE WOMAN that has changed my life forever.  No matter the outcome tomorrow.  No matter if this baby girl’s mother chooses our family to love her, this ONE WOMAN has restored our hope.  There are no boundaries for the love and gratitude I have for her graciousness.  My heart is bursting, how will she ever grasp how the magnitude of her kindness has affected me, my life.  All she asks of me?  Is to pay-it-forward.  If she knew me, she would already know it is my innate nature to help others.  To the ONE WOMAN, you have a gift.  You have made ONE PERSON, feel the most loved by anyone in the entire world, in such a short time.  From my heart to the ends of Earth, I thank you.  One more day my sweet new friend, one more day.       

Fate Steps In

Everyday life, living and loving those around me, loving what I do professionally, things are g-r-e-a-t.  Ten days ago, sweet husband and I’s little boy was hurt.  Our first “emergency”, 9-1-1, ambulance.  Life altering.  In the moment, time stopped.  In days that followed we knew he would be okay.  Nevertheless, a moment that shook me to my core.  Time heals those who are hurt, are hurting, longing, waiting, struggling… whatever the case may be.  I use the word “heal” very loosely.  One is never truly “healed”, only acceptance of a situation leads to peace, peacefulness.  Sweet husband and I have been working hard, real hard, to get to a place where we could make “our sweetest secret” become a secret no more, but a reality.  Maybe, just maybe, sweet husband has had other motivations, but for me, the longing for an addition to our family is always there.  It is my motivation.  Not only to make this dream a reality, but also accepting of the fact a daughter in our lives may never see fruition.  My motivation is also for US.  Sweet husband, our son and me.  US.  And our dreams, whatever they may be.  This remains my priority, US… and our dream to grow our family.  Fate has stepped in as I had confidence in the possibility it might.  A situation has presented itself, completely unexpected, yet completely welcomed.  Our Faith in Fate has led us to this particular moment, less than one week and we will know for sure.  Will she select our family to love her precious baby girl?  I have faith, she just might.  More importantly, I have faith only she knows who is best.  I have faith she will make the right decision, for her and her baby girl.  I love her.  For making this decision for her child.  For changing the life of an adoptive family.  I love her for accepting she cannot raise this baby girl.  She is brave, she is loved.  I only wish she knew.  I love her.         

a + b = c

It’s mid March, the march is on to St. Patty’s Day.  It is hard to believe how time is flying in to 2011.  It is hard to believe several months have passed since sweet husband and I first discussed the birth of “our sweetest secret”… no true pun intended.  And even though we have not signed up with an attorney, moving forward with our home study requirements continues to give me hope.  Truth be told the remaining items could be banged out in a few days, but the more time we take, the longer we have to gain the financial confidence we so desire before the official “sign up” with an adoption attorney.  The importance of the home study, well two things, a) it gives me overwhelming giddiness, a move in the right direction towards our dream of growing our family; and b) it solidifies that someone OUT THERE knows we want to expand our family, our Sweet Patty.  a + b = c  Sweet Patty’s sweet spot for us could potentially lead to the ultimate sweetest surprise, our sweetest little UNEXPECTED secret.  C = Faith in Fate.  With Faith in Fate, my heart does not BREAK into pieces when sweet son mentions a little sister.  He has a memory like NO other, he brings up a little sister when I least expect it.  He heard us speak of it ONCE, that movie night back in December.  He speaks of her by name, he offers to grow her in his belly like his birthmother did.  When I explain only girls carry babies, he offers up two dear friends of ours to grow her since they grew their babies in their tummies, which he witnessed thankfully in perfect timing with starting to learn his own adoption story.  So my heart does not break, because I know our sweetest secret is in our future, somewhere… out there.  I shall continue to have faith, and dream of holding our sweetest little secret.      

Faith in Fate

Amazing how time and reflection can lift you. When you initially feel simple hope in your dreams is not enough and are left feeling crushed, sometimes there is a moment of clarity amongst initial feelings of heartbreak when faced with sometimes brutal reality. As I struggled on February 8th, I eventually had the courage to confide in the only other person in the world I trust as much as sweet husband, our one hope. I found the courage break sweet husbands confidence and trust her. As I had only dared dream, she indeed offered a gift I had hoped for, but a gift more beyond any dream I had ever imagined. So then, I almost immediately confessed to my sweet husband I had broken his confidence. I had indeed shared the dream of ‘our sweetest little secret’. I shared the wonderful news of our gift. He is not angry I broke his confidence. He smiles as though he knew all along who I would turn to in my heartbreak, my dear mom. Although we celebrate, there are still financial realities. Humph, another reality check. Again, tears. But again, I know he is right. But with this gift, we are THAT MUCH CLOSER, we are truly blessed. BUT, we must wait, let’s wait and see if things turn around for us financially. Neither of us like debt, this is the smart choice. Save first, sign up to adopt our daughter second. I digest the latest discussion, and wait a week. Then yesterday, I email our sweet Social Worker Patty our update, Home Study initiation on hold. It’s official. I corresponded with her a bit more, talked to sweet husband, Home Study initiation BACK ON. Enough said. We will still wait to sign up with an attorney.


But… Les and I have “FAITH IN FATE”. Hope in our dreams for ‘our sweetest secret’, BACK IN FULL FORCE.

FAITH IN FATE

Live As-It-Happens, Newsbreaking…

So this post, as I promised to let you know previously, is now LIVE AS-IT-HAPPENS. Today is indeed Tuesday, February 8th.  Since the sweet husbands “winning the world record backstroke”, we have not spoken of the phone call, not once. I have taken time to reflect on his crushing revelation, moreover, the reality bitch-slap that we cannot afford an adoption right now.  Day 1, I CRIED. Day 2 through 4, I was completely ANGRY. Day 5, what can I do to help make our financial situation better? I believe I am doing all I can, but am I? Day 6, my acceptance. The previous day led me to an admission to myself, he is RIGHT. I know he is right. But my heart just doesn’t want to accept he is right. There has to be a way. My “glass half full” attitude of “we will get the money somewhere when the call comes”, just is not realistic. Or fair to sweet husband. Or me. Or our son. Or our future. Damnit, sweet husband is right. I wish he could read my mind. AND MY HEART. Here I am, Day 7. There is one hope and one hope alone to give us financial confidence in moving forward. A Gift. A financial gift. But do I break the confidence between sweet husband and I? Divulge ‘Our Sweetest Secret’ without his knowledge? This hardly seems fair. But the possibility of this GIFT truly is our ONE HOPE. For our daughter. For a sister for our son. For our family to grow.  The question is, would breaking his confidence and a promise of a gift of this magnitude be enough to give sweet husband the courage to move forward? Is affordability of an adoption the true underlying factor of the BACKSTROKE?   This is a question that weighs heavily on my mind. Even heavier, is breaking his confidence, nauseous at the thought. But there is one person I trust only as much as my sweet husband, do I have the courage to confide in this person? Only time will tell.